Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
