I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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