alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
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Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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