First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
