roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
