I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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