From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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