new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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