My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We talked him into tasing himself.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
