a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
