last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
