I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
