Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
