hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
