i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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