I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
