im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
