I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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