he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
