Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize