theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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