I can text with my tongue
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
