Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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