Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
there's paper in my vomit.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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