So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
