I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
