You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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