The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
