i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
