so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
