I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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