I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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