I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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