I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
