So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All the doctor said was why
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
