so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
