I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
