Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
