i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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