Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
