Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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