and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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