Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
