what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
