you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
