on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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