I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
