Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
