the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
