Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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