when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
