maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
