while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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