He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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