I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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